being long distance is just. it’s just. good morning I love you. what did you have for breakfast? how long have you been up? I just woke up. we are hours apart. I miss you. drink some water. I am hugging you I am kissing you. did you take your meds? we are listening to the same song at the same time. tell me about your day in full detail. how was work? I missed you. here’s something that reminded me of you. I have no idea what you’re talking about but I appreciate you talking nonetheless and I am listening intently. go to sleep. no you go to sleep. I miss you. I made you a playlist. yes another one. I wish I could feed you. we are so close. I know miniscule things about you. we texted all day. I didn’t hear from you for hours. you’re my best friend. do your homework. in the future we gotta do xyz. I love you. I miss you. I love you. goodnight.
it’s really cool and sexy actually and if I lived next door to one of the judges threatening to overturn abortion access they would never know a moments peace
“protesting outside someone’s house is bad” alright where do you rank the morality of stripping away healthcare that saves and preserves millions of lives is that also bad? which one is worse do you think?
:
I will never be able to fully express how being a lesbian is not considered cool and sexy to average people, who aren’t terminally online. It considered especially disgusting to people when you’re a woman who doesn’t look like a super model or actress. People are shocked and appalled at the thought you want to eat the pussy of an ordinary girl whose like a waitress or something. People are grossed out that two women who might be fat, masc with stretch marks/scars or without makeup etc find each other completely attractive and have completely fulfilling sex for themselves. Lesbianism that is devoid of the male gaze repulses people. It’s why lesbians are rarely fully represented in media. It’s not sexy anymore if it’s not two straight thin decorated actresses directed by a man. They so mad when we want each other and don’t care to meet their beauty standards or need their approval.
“So the rules thus far are ‘don’t be late’ and ‘don’t be absent from class,’ unless you are absent because of circumstances outside your control. In that case, notify me before class. If I walk in here and you are not in your seat, and I don’t already know why that is the case… I will assume that you are dead. We will hold a brief service in your memory and then continue on, as we know you would want.”
“Yeah I mean if you don’t know the answer that’s fine, but I’m gonna make you pick the next person I call on. It’s a social experiment I run. I like to see if people pick their friends or their enemies. Wildly amusing. Anyway, be prepared for that.”
“So as the plaintiff’s counsel, you review all the possible venues and pick the one that’s the fairest to everyone….. haaaaahahaha I’m just kidding. You rig the court in your favor as much as you possibly can.”
“You’re supposed to go to a basement during a tornado. Why don’t y'all have basements?” “Can’t watch from a basement” “You’re going to die”
“My own law professor once described admiralty jurisdiction as ‘shit that happens on boats’ so [writes ‘boat shit’ on the board]”
“So then Congress gave itself a raise and America shouted, ‘Give it back you evil bastards!!!’ so loudly that they did.”
“I will provide you with pizza. For beverages, you’re on your own, but please abide by Baylor policy. Which is that we can’t have FUN.”
“And WHAT do we find outside the cities????? C O W S”
“All the desks on the third floor are reserved for 3Ls in practice court. Since you’re dying like, 100% of the time, they kindly give you a place to die. Sometimes you can see the lost souls wandering past the balconies….”
[makes a list of twenty-four things that could go wrong] [writes TRUMP in all caps as number twenty-five]
Round two:
“You don’t want conservatives! You want someone that will redistribute a little wealth! Get some commies! But don’t ask for them out loud, or it won’t end well.”
“Occasionally someone will walk into your office and start with ‘well just as a matter of principle…’ and that right there? That’s when you pull out your extra-strength Advil, because it will be a long day.”
“You can walk into a restaurant and just say, ‘I want tea.’ Sweet is implied! If you don’t want it sweet, it’s ‘tea, hold the sugar,’ and I like that!”
“My biggest goal is to die in Texas. When Gabriel’s trumpet blows, I will be resurrected from Texas dirt… if at all. Depends on his standards.”
“And I say, ‘How much will you pay me?’ and they say ‘a shitload!’ And I say, ‘how much is a shitload?’ and what do you know? Our definitions match”
“So you see that it’s an unincorporated association, and your reaction to that should be ‘shit!’ That is absolutely the proper reaction. That’s a good reaction.”
“You know it’s not perjury if you cross your fingers, right?”
“I would definitely shank someone for pizza.”
“Right now you’re… you’re lawyer larvae. I have a sense for these things.”
“So obviously Congress sprang into action. Why are you laughing? Oh yeah, BECAUSE IT’S BEEN A QUARTER CENTURY”
Round three:
“And by that I mean CRAC, the acronym, not c-r-a-c-k as in crack. Although I was a defense attorney for a long time, so if you want to know how to make crack, we can cover that in a side session. It’s good information. Very interesting.”
“And then I file a complaint against my employer for discriminating against me as a white, Anglo-Saxon protestant. You know… [sarcastically] the historically discriminated against crew”
“Listen, I like money. It’s the love of money that’s the root of all evil. You can like it just fine.”
“With the well-pleaded complaint rule, we take a scalpel and we carve out the cause of action. We lift it out of the body, bleeding! It is BLEEDING in your hands! You hold it in front of your face and you ask it, ‘WHO CREATED YOU?’ [groaning] ‘A federal law.’ ‘THEN YOU ARE A FEDERAL CASE!’ If it’s a state case, you cast it, still-beating, aside. And stomp on it.”
[with deep respect] “You would make a really good anarchist”
“Beaumont? How’s your family doing?” “Pretty well. I mean, everything is underwater, but it’s fine.”
“Your argument is what? ‘You can’t make that much money because it isn’t fair?’ This is America. Fair doesn’t matter.”
“We need ONLY one more thing: someone rich to sue. Can she help us?? We don’t know… until she describes one word on the side of that truck…. ‘Walmart.’ CHA C H I N G (don’t say that part out loud)! What’s forty percent of thirty million?? TWELVE MILLION. Forty percent is the ONLY math I can do in my head, because that is PRIVATE JET MONEY, BABY! The ONLY POINT of being rich is to HAVE A PRIVATE JET, because THOSE THAT DO can MANIPULATE TIME. As you can see, I am passionate on this point.”
“See this is a tough question because legislators are supposed to make laws, but how would you know that? They haven’t done it in YEARS.”
“Listen I don’t condone murder-suicide, but like… I feel it.”
Also just so everyone knows it’s incredibly likely Nicki Manaji does not believe this and is saying stupid shit on purpose to rile everyone up so they’ll not pay attention to the fact that her and her sex offender husband are being sued for harassment because the victim her husband assaulted is claiming they’ve been harassing her to lie and say she wasn’t assaulted. On top of that her sex offender husband was recently arrested for failing to file on the sex offender register when he changed states.
So yeah she’s been dumb as shit about the vaccines but I think we should pay more attention to this and not let them sweep it under the rug like they’re trying.
Not pictured: me, yanking the steering wheel to screech into a parking lot so I could take a pic of this while my sisters and I absolutely lost it upon seeing this truck
sometimes i get a little stressed out because i’m living in a part of history that’ll one day be talked about and discussed and papers written and what am i doing? what have i done? laundry, barely
“i want to be your little grocery lists! i want to be your sky! i want to become the sound of you laughing and the sound of your gasps and
the sound of your breathing and the sound of your dreams. i would like to learn you from scratch.”
— Umang Kalra, “EXPLAIN THE UNIVERSE TO ME, I WANT IT THROUGH YOUR EYES,” published in DEAR
the fact that 2016 was 5 years ago and 2022 is just 4 months away is making my eye twitch…. need a support group for people who can’t process the linear progression of time
